I know that they are so many other things I should be focusing my attention on like school …and yes, that basically sums it up pretty well. This issue has been bothering me for the past weeks since angel of beauty reappeared in my life. Okay, to be truthful, maybe even before that…

Everyday, I don’t fail to see (especially at school) a pretty couple walking past me. It appears as if everybody has a special somebody BUT me. I know I am being irrational. However, when you are bombarded by images of people being mushy with each other well, it’s hard not wanting some of that. Perhaps, it’s my fault that I am single since I am so damn picky and shy. I don’t think I am that much of a freak of nature though. Many other people must share my same qualities. Yet, they seem to be able to lead normal lives and have an actual romantic life (assuming that they are others like me). What is normal anyways? I don’t know, but damn this situation is fucking me up. All kinds of thoughts run through my minds; I am too ugly, intimidating looking or/and freaky. To be truthful, I don’t find myself particularly attractive which is kind of contradicting to the narcissistic nature I insist I posses. That is just fake confidence, something to hide how I truly feel about myself. These past days, I have been talking a lot to my mom about this issue. She told me that I have to first accept myself in order to be able to have a relationship. And even thought it sucks to hear that, I completely agree with her. How do I expect anybody to like me if I hate myself?  Quoting Marilyn Manson in “Use Your Fist and Not Your Mouth”:

I woke up today and wished for tomorrow 
I don't want to be like anyone else 
I woke up today and wished for tomorrow 
I don't want even be myself 

I know, simplistic and straightforward quote. But, damn sometimes those are the most meaningful ones, moving on.

 This feeling does not disappears; it’s still present eating my soul away. This longing for someone to love…

The longing has become even stronger since angel of beauty reappeared in my life. Every time I look at him my heart beats a million times per second. The world stops and my brain cease to function. It’s irrational, it’s stupid and it has no validation since he is a complete stranger. As far as I know he does not even know I exist. Sometimes the heart wins over rationality and it appear this is the case.

Perhaps, it’s time for me to face the truth; I am never going to find my special one. I was just not meant to be love and to love in return. I go back to my original theory some people are born to be love while others like me are just not.